Dear God,

Remember when you asked Adam about eating from the tree? And he said, “The woman YOU put here with me, she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it.”?

Sounds like me don’t it?  I know me being a failure wasn’t your fault at all. I just don’t understand. Anything. “You’re supposed  to know my heart. And know all the hairs on my head.  So I highly doubt you missed the tears. Even if I don’t know how to pray right there is no way you couldn’t have heard one.

Supposedly you’re touched by our feelings. How could mine have touched you and you leave me lost and alone. Alone except for the enemy. Alone except for all the people I’ve hurt.

I became what I  hated and fought. Please Jesus be touched. Please. It wasn’t the woman you gave me. It was the calling. I thought it was from you. Please help.

My own beard and hair are streaked with gray. I don’t recognize myself much in the mirror. Good. I’m dreading the point at which I have to shave. I came in weighing 320 lbs.  Went to medical for vitals to be read. Getting paperwork straight. Current weight is now 260. I don’t believe it. Blood pressure low. Pulse 128 bpm. Have horrible dizzy spells so bad I almost fall out of bed when I roll over. I think in addition to destroying my short term memory my little spell of drug abuse might have messed up something a little more serious. 260. I always thought my skeleton must weigh at least 180.

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All things work together. I’m praying for you. Trust in the Lord. I can do all things through Christ. Read the Bible it will strengthen you.

I think people stop using cliches after someone uses one on them during a crisis. I have a beautiful Brand New BIBLE. Took a lot of trouble getting it to me. When I’m at my lowest I take it out for a little help. I look at it like its an instruction manual for a Russian nuclear sub. Written in Russian.

I guess I’ve lost my mind more than I realized. I don’t even know how to use the Bible anymore. Try letting it fall open to a scripture. Did that. The building specs on the badger skin coated tabernacle didn’t really lift my spirits. Nor did UFO’s seen by a naked profit.

I’m reading through even the New Testament and words are blurring together and my mind is loose and ungrasping. I don’t know anything.

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Don is an idiot. As much as I lover Raymond I hate Don. Even his name is stupid.

Don doesn’t mess with me. I hardly ever talk to him. You ever meet someone who  makes you wanna punch  him just  by the way he looks?  It was probably Don. He’s real scraggly looking like a bit fat stupid looking muslim. He actually, and I’m not making this up, wraps a sheet around his head like a Muslim headpiece.

When the guard gets on the intercom (its against regulations to put anything over your face or on your head) or say something about it at the door, this moron  tells them  its his religious clothing and if they don’t bring him a prayer rug and tell him where East is that he’s going to sue the jail. And they laugh and walk away.

One day he wanted them to refund $8 for a haircut he didn’t get. He ACTUALLY told them that he was going to blow up our pod if they didn’t give him his money. Someone from our pod was getting a haircut up front and told us that they heard over the radio that a Muslim was going to blow up our pod and all the guards left.

Don had told them he was a suicide bomber with 12 pounds of dynamite. They thought he was hilarious. The guards. I think he’s an idiot. He’s always saying goofy stuff like “Oh boy” and everyone starts it all the time. Hardened criminals.

The other night he told Lee that once he’d caught an albino catfish. Named it Wayne and put it in a bucket of water. Little by little he drained the water until one day there was none left. He had trained the catfish to breathe air. He just kept it damp so it wouldn’t dry out. Said that  he took that catfish everywhere. Trained it to flop beside him around the house.

One day he went fishing and took Wayne with him. Just set him right on the dock beside him. Well one of the bait crickets jumped out of the little cardboard box into the pond. Wayne, being hungry and loving crickets, jumped in after it, And drowned.  Yeah they all think he’s soooo funny. Well I don’t. I think he’s sad.

IMW

6699

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My former pastor (and I use that term in the most liberal sense)told me that I had a problem with authority. His brilliant protege (younger than me) promptly agreed. I thirded the motion. I did and do.

Enduring schools I dealt with a teacher who stood me up in front of the class and showed them my misspelling of my middle name. They laughed. I didn’t. She stood me up and showed them  the book I was reading and they laughed about “Pipi – Longstocking”. They laughed. I cried.  They laughed more. I was eight.

Another had a wonderful program called “Fun Fridays”. If you didn’t get “three check marks” by your name in one day then the week on Friday you got to watch a movie and eat popcorn and drink red Kool-Aid. With my bad attitude (many people called it A.D.D., she called it ‘bad attitude’.) I hardly made it to ‘Fun Friday’. One week I was able to pull it off. With her own words “you need to be made an example of” she gave me three check marks that Friday morning.

Not content to sit me  in the back where the bad attitudes were usually set, she brought me to the front of the room. Next to the T.V. Facing my classmates. They laughed. I turned red. I was nine.

One screamed at me for twisting my hand in the light coming from the window. I had done my work already but she was upset about something. She told the class that I might be retarted and should be in Special-Ed. I cried. They laughed. I was ten.

And on and on and on.  I was taught to trust  and obey those with authority. They abused it. Church wasn’t much better. Sunday school teachers pinching the backs of my arms or twisting my ear in front of all the other kids. Angry sometimes at a parent or family member they came after the ones who couldn’t defend themselves. Wasn’t just me.

I seen chuch ushers slam kids to the ground and put them in headlocks. Young teenagers I was thirteen when they left me and a kid from the bus-ministry to paddle  8 hours by ourselves. “Sink or swim” laughing.  Our canoe was capsized under a tree branch and the kid ws stuck underneath.  A nearby power boat came to our rescue and saved him. Oh boy how they laughed and laughed when the boaters brought us to the church van. Being laughed at hurts worse than being punished in the face over and over. Those bruises heal, but I can still hear the laughter.

Cops who lie, lawyers who cheat, pastors who “only keep you around for your money”. Yeah, I guess I do have a problem with authority. And my bad attitude.  IMW

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the devil and eve

the devil told eve she wouldn’t die.  and she didn’t immediately.  the devil won’t lie without a measure of some truth.  no one would counterfeit a three dollar bill.  when the wages of sin are paid, death comes slowly.  it took Adam 930 years to die after he fell.  during that time he lost his face to face fellowship with God.  heard God curse him and his wife.  Banish him from paradise.  saw the pain which eve bore their sons.  lost one son to murder by another son.  saw another son cursed by God and sent away.  witnessed the downfall of mankind for the rest of time.  No, the wages of sin are sure but the payment is not swift.  The wages I worked hard for. very hard.  and I’m finally being paid.  But i wish i weren’t.  it is heart crushing and soul killing.  they are heavy and painful.  so much so that I can no longer even feel or hear from God.  My God.  or He was.

I’m told of all the dreams, visions, and words that God is giving to people regarding His care and attention for me.  Wonderful.  I hope it gets there thru the horrible nights.  but it would actually help me if He would direct them toward me.  Just once.  A crumb would go a long way with me.  but with my habit of stupid prayers, I’ve prayed and do pray that God would send any mercy or grace He might have had left for me.  Any angels that might have been watching me.  I asked that He would send them all to someone else.  someone who wasn’t lost.  whose blood was on my hands among several hundreds more.  but her blood was the worst.  Hopefully he did send help.  Knowing I have no grace or mercy available makes me feel alone.  being alone in the universe and thru eternity is the worst feeling anyone could feel.  at least i’m suffering for failing.  maybe it counts for something on the scales.  probably not.

imw

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